It’s time for some honesty and vulnerability. 2020 has been full of craziness for everyone, myself included. I thought I was handling it okay, and then my family was absolutely devastated by the loss of two very important people in my life, within days of each other. I know myself and my family are not the only ones to experience something like that this year or any other year. No one can really tell you how hard a death will hit you. They can tell you what it’s like, but you won’t get it until it’s you. Losing someone close to you is awful; a piece of your heart is gone, shattered. Each person handles it differently. There are moments when you think about them, and it’s with a fondness at the moments you shared. And then there are the times when someone says something, you pass a sign, or you find a card they gave you with their handwriting, and it’s like the grief process starts all over.
Too many times I’ve found myself sobbing over the smallest thing, spiraling completely out of control, ripping through scrapbooks desperate to find a picture of them….People will tell you how angry and broken you’ll feel, and you can think you might know, but you don’t. Not until it happens.
The week after I lost my grandparents, my pastor gave a sermon on hope. Every single word struck a chord with me, it was like the sermon was made for me and God was speaking right into my heart. But you know what? It made me angry. I wasn’t even sure why I had that reaction, but I just went numb and the words began to just bounce off of me. I didn’t realize it until now, but that was the beginning of a spiral where I pulled away from God.
Sometimes, that happens, people say. You get angry at God. And I told myself I wouldn’t be mad at God. He gave me a lot of time with them; he’d healed them so many times before. God’s timing is perfect; never early, never late. But no matter how many times I told myself those things, I still went numb. Maybe it was something that had to happen, something I needed to experience to get to the point that I’m at now.
Tonight, something incredible happened. I don’t know what caused it, but that shell of numbness that has been hovering over me began to crack. Numbness gave way to panic as feelings I had been fighting confronted me. To be honest, I didn’t know how to handle it. I happened to come across a challenge about becoming ‘faithfully fit’ and something about it drew me in. There was a worship playlist associated with this and I never pass up a good worship playlist, so naturally, I downloaded it. I began to listen and my heart wrenched as the first song played.
I was sitting on my bed and it was as if God sat down right next to me. He reminded me that I am His, and nothing I do can change that. And I was so broken in that moment. I was reminded of my resolution at the beginning of 2020: spend more time with God. Gently, God showed me that, well, I had failed. Miserably. There was a moment where I felt ashamed. With my head low, I felt ashamed of some of my words, actions, and my full and complete failure to spend more time with my Savior.
But then, He took my chin and lifted my head back up and reminded me I am a daughter of the King of Kings. And there is NO end to His love for His children. He takes me as I am, just like he offers to each and every one of us. So this year, I’m not making a resolution. I’m making a commitment. My commitment is to be on fire for God, no matter what.
You might think that being on fire for God is a big, emotional ordeal. Do I feel like that right now? Yeah, I do. Will I feel like that tomorrow? I have no clue. But I know that being on fire for God is a CHOICE. I will make the CHOICE daily to turn to God, open myself up completely before Him, and say, “Here I am.”
I will choose to surrender my will and let God lead. I will choose to abide in Him, trusting that His love for me is true, full, and more complete than any other love I will know. I will choose to be patient in the plans He has for my life. And I will choose to steer away from things that pull me away from God, and towards the world. The world has nothing for me, or for you. Nothing but pain, suffering, and evil. I will choose life each and every day by following Jesus Christ.
It won’t be easy. In fact, some days it’s going to be really hard. But God is the well that will never run dry, no matter how many times I do.
Isaiah 28-31
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth. He never becomes faint or weary; there is no limit to his understanding. He gives strength to the faint and strengthens the powerless. Youths may become faint and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the LORD will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint.”
When you trust in the Lord, this is his promise to you. God can renew your strength. He can lift you up so you can “soar on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, and walk and not grow faint.” There is hope.